"It" being the divorce. The enormity of it all.
The human body is wonderful in how it protects you. When I first separated, I only felt relief. I basked in the ability to rest easily and go about my workaday life without the constant unwelcome interruptions that had become my marriage.
Then I didn't really feel much for awhile. I was kind of numb. I did all the right things. I exercised and socialized and called friends and spent lots of time with my son. But I had a hard time being present in the moment. My mind was elsewhere and where that elsewhere was, I don't know.
So I'm at the six month mark of my divorce. And I feel it. The sadness. The overwhelming sense of loss. I want to take a magic wand and wish it all away. I want to take us back to when we were happy together. Could it have gone differently? Could I have changed the course if I tried? I know from Al Anon when it comes to alcoholism you can't cause it, cure it or control it. Still I wonder. I didn't recognize it for a long time and I didn't handle things very well. If I had been attending Al Anon long ago, maybe....but then why would I have been attending Al Anon before I knew my husband was an alcoholic?
This man was the love of my life. He still is. Or rather, the memory of who he was, is. In many ways, it feels like a death. People tell me I'll be happy again. I know I will, in some ways, but I can't even fathom being happy with another man again. Romance was a big part of my life and very important to me and now it feels like I have to sever that part off myself.
Every major adult event in my life was shared with this man, from graduating college to giving birth. How do I reconcile my wonderful memories with the present? Will I someday be able to enjoy the memory of a terrific lover and friend without the bitterness of what happened afterward?
I know that whatever I'm feeling right now is what I should be feeling at this point and time. It just seems that everything, from getting through the day to remembering a past Christmas is just so damned hard right now.
I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to learn to live without him. Bravo to you for being brave enough and honest enough to talk about how hard divorce really is. Everyone suffers in divorce. The most any of us can hope is that someday our memories will be wonderful again and not clouded by the pain of losing that person from your life. Thanks for sharing Christine.
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